


After All

by 401



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Injury, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, blood mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-13
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2019-03-04 10:59:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13363251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/401/pseuds/401
Summary: Bucky can't believe that Steve can love him after all that has happened.





	After All

“You love me as if I deserve it,” Bucky muttered.

Steve paused his busy hands. He put down the packet of sutures he was holding on the arm of the couch and peeled the blue surgical gloves off of his hands.

The snap they made brought Bucky back to a place that he did not want to be, but he swallowed it like a shot and stayed quiet.

“Because you do,” Steve frowned, “You deserve everything I can give and more.”

Bucky shook his head and coughed a dry laugh. Looking up at the ceiling, tracing its cracks and inconsistencies, he could almost ignore the pain of his shrapnel-peppered right side. Almost.

“You’re telling me that after all I’ve done, you can still see me the same way?”

His voice was low, but it felt deafening in the silence between them. Steve paused, and it was almost like there was a radio static between them, a few tense, painful moments where the question was answered without a movement of lips. Not a word, and yet Steve seemed to write pages with his eyes.

“Answer me,” Bucky said softly, the request leaving his lips like the most desperate of prayers.

“No,” Steve finally sighed, “No, I don’t.”

With this, the pain on Bucky’s skin suddenly meant nothing. It was replaced by a prickling of hot humiliation that flooded his senses and coiled in his stomach like sour milk.

“I see someone who has been through a world of pain, who has been forced to do unspeakable things and has still come out of the other side with a heart,” Steve explained as he busied himself with some packaging. Alcohol wipes; Bucky could smell it.

“Bucky,” He continued, “You know how much I love you, right?”

Bucky paused now. He supposed that he did. The Captain told him all the time. Not always with words. Sometimes with kisses, sometimes with ‘stay safes’ and ‘take a jackets’, sometimes with bagged lunches with handwritten notes or just with a glance. A well-timed look in the eyes that always seemed to melt the ice that built up there no matter how hard Bucky tried. Despite all this, Bucky could not escape the uncomfortable fact that knowing was very different from believing.

“Buck?”

“Yeah,” He whispered, “I know.”

“Then stop doubting it. Let me love you. God knows you need it after all these years.”

Something on Steve’s face made Bucky bristle with anxiety. Conviction. There was no doubt in his gaze, no wiggle room in his words. It made Bucky feel searched and vulnerable, yet he could not drag himself away from Steve’s eyes.

“I don’t love me,” Bucky finally admitted, “Not after…”

“After what?” Steve interrupted.

“After you were kidnapped, after they tortured you? After they did those…things to you?”

Steve paused and swallowed around the thought, feeling emotion welling in his chest.

“After literal Nazis controlled your brain? Or after you saved my life all those times, after you save Sam and Natasha even though they were scared of you?”  


Bucky closed his eyes, trying to figure out if the husk in Steve’s voice was anger or desperation.

“You see what I’m getting at here Buck?” Steve said quietly, “Please tell me you see.”  


Bucky nodded, again just guessing that he did.

Steve put away the gauze and bloody tissues, pressing a bottle of Advil into Bucky’s palm, pausing to squeeze his fingers around it, lifting the hand to his lip and kissing his knuckles. That still made Bucky blush like he was 16, even after all of the decades of getting used to the simple gesture,

“I love you too, Steve,” Bucky whispered, “Even if I don’t tell you enough.”

Steve chuckled, carding a hand through Bucky’s hair, careful to avoid the small gash on his forehead. More blushing. Bucky tried to ignore the heat in his cheeks.

“I know you do,” Steve smiled, “Even if you don’t tell me enough.”  



End file.
